If Its Broken, Can It Be Fixed?

This weekend I spent a very needed weekend with my big and her family in Sugarland! It was soo much fun to be back in a family environment! I miss her so much, it is so hard without her here because ive never actually had to be without her here.. since the semester i transferred to the semester before my last… I cant imagine not having her advice and her arms and her brain to remind me of everything that I need and I want and I deserve.. I cant imagine my life without her 🙂

This weekend we did so many fun things and I got to take my mind off of real life for a few days.. It was nice to go out and relax and just hang out with my big and her family, who really feel like my family (my second family at least). When I am with them very rarely do I get sad.. upset maybe but not sad.. unfortuantly I cant be there all the time because I have 15 hours to take care of this semester and I want Deans List! I’ve missed it the last two semester because I  had a 3.4 and a 3.47… Ridiculous! ROUND UP! 🙂 haha sorry..

So my title hasnt been addressed yet.. Here is my issue.. I dont know what I want with my life.. I am still so in love with a man that I am not with.. and after talking to him, he is doing the things that I wanted him to do.. getting a hobby, saving, and hanging out with friends and networking.. and I cant take that away from him .. Everyone tells me that I am better off and I just cant help but hurt..

any suggestions? i want to fix it but i dont know if you can fix something thats really broken..


First Day of School

The first day of school is always pretty easy.. I didnt got to my 8a.m. class because I am trying to get into a different one but it doesnt look like it is going to be possible 😦 Today I had Information Gathering & Analysis which was interesting because we watched the presidential inauguration and our task was to make observations and get good quotes.. my other class was writing for electronic media, which is my life so its exciting for me.

Today has not been terrible.. It was my first day back to work, and my first day at school.. but other than that I got a flat tire today! It is not as bad as it sounds.. I drove to Discount Tire and they replaced it for free because my tires have warrenties 🙂 but  I also found out two of my tires are only at 50% traction.. which is not good apparently.. he told me i have 10,000 miles left on my tires but he doesnt know it they will make it that long because i didnt rotate them like I am supposed to (this seems to be a re-occuring theme with me)…

My big told me about a really good book today and then told me she was going to have it for me when i get to Sugarland! I am very excited because I think it will help a lot with all of the pain that I am going through right now.. I can not wait to go to Sugarland and spend the weekend with my big! i miss her so much! and car car too! I cant wait to do wedding stuff and meet Trey’s grooms men 🙂 and any of Caitlins bridesmaids that are available!

Megan started a blog yesterday and I think it would be a great way for you to get to know my new roommate and kinda what shes going through!

anyways thats the end of my day and writing for now.. im doing okay.. not great but not horrible..




This is Really Hard

Today is harder than yesterday..

Tomorrow classes start and i have an 8am, a 9:30am, a 11am, and a 12:30pm… and I am going back to work tomorrow.. and I am going to be busy and stressed a bit.. there are good things today

– i only cried a few times

– i got the books that i know i need, and some spirals for class

– i went grocery shopping with megan

– i have a great new roommate! (no one will every replace my bestfriend so hush)

– tomorrow starts a new life.. i get to see Bree and start a new diet and workout routine…

– maybe tomorrow will be a better day :/

its hard for me because i feel like i am alone when i know that i am not.. i feel like we’re still together and i feel like im not ready for it to be over yet.. i want him to want to fight for me.. but he cant.. he has called me a few times and although we have said how hard it is and how much we hurt he hasnt said I want  you back or I cant live without you… and thats the hardest part.. i think ive kind of narrowed down what i really look for in a man..

i need a man who wants me, without any doubt in his mind.. someone who treats me the way i deserve to be treated.. i need a romantic man who thinks to bring me a flower just coming to hang out, just little thoughtful things.. i want someone who wants to talk to me every second of every day and we never run out of things to talk about.. someone who understands that im kind of crazy and outgoing and embraces it.. someone who wont tell me not to do things that i love doing.. a man with a great family who really understands what it means to be close to your family.. someone who knows where they’re going in life and what their ambitions are… i need someone intellictual who understands that you dont always have to be serious.. and by always i mean almost never.. i need someone who wants to lay on the couch and watch Disney channel with me.. i want someone who loves to cook, and can cook well! Physically I need someone taller than I am and I am usually attracted to brunettes.. i need an athletic man.. someone who will inspire me to stay fit..  and i need someone who tells me everyday that I am beautiful.. not that i need to hear it but because i want someone to feel that way..

okay well im done with that for now.. Bachorette 2009? maybe!



Today is the End..But Tomorrow is the Beginning

Today my life feels like it kind of came to a halt.. and it is hard.. and it is painful.. and i am crying but i am trying to keep in mind that each day is a new beginning and although it is not very fun right now, it will get better.. The hardet part for me is that yes I am sad and yes I am hurt and yes I am crying but my bestfriend is not here to hold me while I cry like she usually is.. She is in spirit but not in presence.. and I wish she was, more than anything.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my last day of winter break.. Tuesday starts my senior year, and my last year at Texas State! I got a new roommate and she is awesome, her name is Megan and she is from Wisconsin. but today.. today is still hard.. and im looking forward to tomorrow

im sorry i dont have more to write.. i wish i could put everything i am feeling into words but i cant.. basically its like a hole in the bottom of my stomach that gets bigger everytime i think about it and every time i think about it i cry.. and everytime i cry i get a headache and my face hurts.. so basically i just hurt.. and im sad and hurt…

tomorrow will be a better day..

i love you still


Last Day

Tonight is my last night in Dallas…

Do you know what I am doing? Eating Ice Cream! for the last time.. I’ve decided that once I get back I am going to change my eating habits drastically! I did a BMI test today and mine is.. 24.4 which is like.5 points away from overweight… so no more icecream, fried foods, or any of the stuff that you can tell is really bad for you (or me) and lots and lots of water, veggies, and fruits!

Today I took Sassy to the vet.. no worms, no ear mites, but she has to take ear mite medicine because she thinks that she has them but that she couldnt see them.. she also has yeast infections in her ears and on her tummy.. 😦 and she started her parvo shots today.. i think she is a little old to be starting but i didnt know she hadnt had her first shot… and the vet said it was fine.. the cool part was that our vets last name is McDaniel.. i thought that was nice 🙂 she goes back in three weeks for shot two. I also got her a new collar (this makes 3 haha) its yellow with a bell so now i know where she is in the dark!

I am off to bed now i have to get up early to pack (cuz i was way too lazy today to pack 😦 ..) sweet dreams!

Its Nice To Catch Up

Tonight I got to talk to my bestfriend from Missouri 🙂 She is one of the best people I know, shes 21 with a 10 month old baby girl and recently engaged to an airforce officer stationed in Germany and about to be deployed to a secret place for 4 months.. he also has a one year old! how cute, she makes me remember that i can do anything because she can do everything with these issues in her life!

My mom left for Austin this morning and tomorrow I register for classes and I have a job shadow at WFAA again 🙂 im very excited!

sorry its so short but im going to bed! ill update in the morning!! xo



Today I Was Useless!

Sassy made me get up early today! By early I mean around 11 a.m… We got up and.. well did nothing.  We had lunch and dessert and watched TV.  We played outside, and inside, and showered and really that was all we accomplished this morning.

I called my advisor and yet again.. no call back.. he is killing me on this class schedule thing! He only calls me back when i tell him that I wont be available (aka he wont have to talk to me!) stupid.. but tomorrow i will be relentless!

Tonight I made dinner for my brother and my sister.. (if you could call it that) i fixed.. mini corn dogs, mini hamburgers (which i burnt half of) and crispy crowns! (delicious) and i was very proud of myself! I also made an appointment for Sassy to go to the vet! Friday at 2.. i dont think she is excited as I am 🙂

well off to bed for me! and sas!